The Velominati Rules
Are notoriously obeyed by some. Without a doubt, they constitute some sort of code of conduct for cyclists all over the world.
We find them mostly funny. Below, we’ve listed our top-10 favorites of The Velominati Rules. To us, they define much of what riding a bike is all about. But feel free to define it in your own way – we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
Rule #5: Harden The Fuck Up.
Rule #6: Free your mind and your legs will follow.
Your mind is your worst enemy. Do all your thinking before you start riding your bike. Once the pedals start to turn, wrap yourself in the sensations of the ride – the smell of the air, the sound of the tires, the feeling of flight as the bicycle rolls over the road.
Rule #9: If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.
Rule #10: It never gets easier, you just go faster.
As this famous quote by Greg LeMan tells us, training, climbing, and racing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.”
Rule #33: Shave your guns.
Legs are to be carefully shaved at all times. If, for some reason, your legs are to be left hairy, make sure you can dish out plenty of hurt to shaved riders, or be considered a hippie douche on your way to a Critical Mass. Whether you use a straight razor or a Bowie knife, use Baxter to keep them smooth.
Rule #43: Don’t be a jackass.
But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
Rule #67: Do your time in the wind.
Nobody likes a wheel sucker. You might think you’re playing a smart tactical game by letting everyone else do the work while you sit on, but races are won through cooperation and spending time on the rivet, flogging yourself and taking risks. Riding wheels and jumping past at the end is one thing and one thing only: poor sportsmanship.
Rule #68: Rides are to be measured by quality, not quantity.
Rides are to be measured by the quality of their distance and never by distance alone. For climbing rides, distances should be referred to by the amount of vertical covered; flat and rolling rides should be referred to by their distance and average speed. For example, declaring “We rode 4km” would assert that 4000m were climbed during the ride, with the distance being irrelevant. Conversely, a flat ride of 150km at 23km/h is not something that should be discussed in an open forum and Rule #5 must be reviewed at once.
Rule #77: Respect the earth; don’t litter.
Cycling is not an excuse to litter. Do not throw your empty gel packets, energy bar wrappers or punctured tubes on the road or in the bush. Stuff em in your jersey pockets, and repair that tube when you get home.
Rule #80: Always be Casually Deliberate.
Waiting for others pre-ride or at the start line pre-race, you must be tranquilo, resting on your top tube thusly. This may be extended to any time one is aboard the bike, but not riding it, such as at stop lights.
Ride Hard. Have Fun.